Seeking Why…

I’ve been really quiet in my writing lately.  I’ve been quietly processing.  I have purposely walked about 100 yards into a desert time and I am not quite sure that I want to walk any further.  So why on earth did I walk in to begin with? Especially when I look back and can see life “as it is” – tolerable, fine, acceptable, known.

I’m in a very unsure place right now.  Unsure as to what God is trying to teach me at the moment.  Lately my mind has felt like a mouse spinning on a wheel and just not getting anywhere and in refusing to step off the wheel, I continue to run on it and therefore have been struggling taking it to Lord.   I cannot figure out what is holding me captive on that wheel without working through it with God.  I know, “Jennifer, stop trying to fix it alone…. ”

There is so much inside to process, deal with, focus on, learn, etc. that coming to a place of words before the Lord is like standing on the edge of a cliff?  It’s that moment of, “do I open up and let it all pour out” or “do I continue to try and hold it altogether by myself?”

That’s why I walked into this desert time.  To process quietly with the Lord.  Yet, I am spinning deeper into the sand and mirages instead moving forward in a continuing pace towards God.  I am falling victim to the never-ending sand or to the mirages of false hope, bad self-talk, arguments, hurt feelings, lots of hiding, rejection, and on and on and on. 

(Fast forward two weeks – yes, I wrote the first 4 paragraphs about two weeks ago and then stopped writing because I was stuck and afriad of the conclusion – duh that “all by myself” stubborness again.  Anyhow God’s tugged a bit these past two weeks and although I’m still not more than about 125 yards into the desert, I have moved forward.)

I have moved forward because I don’t want life to stay “as it is.”  I want to grow.  I want to “strive to be one of the few who walk this earth with the every present realization – every morning, noon and night – that the unknown that people call heaven is directly behind those things that are visible.” (Streams in the Desert  – Reading from July 26)

I want to work this out with God.  I want to open the doors for Him to continue developing me to be more like Jesus.  I want to talk to God and if my growth requires it – I will sprint to the center of the desert.   That’s why I’m in His word a lot right now even when it feels more like a chore than a deep desire.  That’s why I’m having multiple conversations with Him even when my heart isn’t in it. (eeewww… confession….)

Through my small group study, the Lord has reminded me know there are a lot of positive things about being in a desert – there’s beauty in the occasional cactus or the fact that you can see forever and no one is bumping in to you and yet your friends are there to cheer you on, cry with you, hug it out and just accept you where you are. 

There’s also the struggle of the desert that teaches you full reliance upon God – alone.  That’s where I am – in the midst of that struggle to take my walk with the Lord to the next depth.  To dig in deeper and sprint to the center where there isn’t a mirage, but my Father who is there waiting.

My memory verses this first half of November are:

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.  I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”  Psalm 16:7-8

I will not be shaken back to life “as it is” because I am being counseled and instructed to life “as it can be” ahead of me – new depths in my relationship with the Lord.  With my Heavenly Father who provides me His promises to combat all that bad stuff above that so easily entangles.  

I WILL SPRINT to the center and then with the Lord ALWAYS before me, I WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESERT and I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!!!   (Did you know sometimes you just have to type loudly to begin the practice of convincing yourself and believing? )