Sprinting to the center…

November 5, 2009 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve been really quiet in my writing lately.  I’ve been quietly processing.  I have purposely walked about 100 yards into a desert time and I am not quite sure that I want to walk any further.  So why on earth did I walk in to begin with? Especially when I look back and can see life “as it is” – tolerable, fine, acceptable, known.

I’m in a very unsure place right now.  Unsure as to what God is trying to teach me at the moment.  Lately my mind has felt like a mouse spinning on a wheel and just not getting anywhere and in refusing to step off the wheel, I continue to run on it and therefore have been struggling taking it to Lord.   I cannot figure out what is holding me captive on that wheel without working through it with God.  I know, “Jennifer, stop trying to fix it alone…. ”

There is so much inside to process, deal with, focus on, learn, etc. that coming to a place of words before the Lord is like standing on the edge of a cliff?  It’s that moment of, “do I open up and let it all pour out” or “do I continue to try and hold it altogether by myself?”

That’s why I walked into this desert time.  To process quietly with the Lord.  Yet, I am spinning deeper into the sand and mirages instead moving forward in a continuing pace towards God.  I am falling victim to the never-ending sand or to the mirages of false hope, bad self-talk, arguments, hurt feelings, lots of hiding, rejection, and on and on and on. 

(Fast forward two weeks – yes, I wrote the first 4 paragraphs about two weeks ago and then stopped writing because I was stuck and afriad of the conclusion – duh that “all by myself” stubborness again.  Anyhow God’s tugged a bit these past two weeks and although I’m still not more than about 125 yards into the desert, I have moved forward.)

I have moved forward because I don’t want life to stay “as it is.”  I want to grow.  I want to “strive to be one of the few who walk this earth with the every present realization – every morning, noon and night – that the unknown that people call heaven is directly behind those things that are visible.” (Streams in the Desert  – Reading from July 26)

I want to work this out with God.  I want to open the doors for Him to continue developing me to be more like Jesus.  I want to talk to God and if my growth requires it – I will sprint to the center of the desert.   That’s why I’m in His word a lot right now even when it feels more like a chore than a deep desire.  That’s why I’m having multiple conversations with Him even when my heart isn’t in it. (eeewww… confession….) :)

Through my small group study, the Lord has reminded me know there are a lot of positive things about being in a desert – there’s beauty in the occasional cactus or the fact that you can see forever and no one is bumping in to you and yet your friends are there to cheer you on, cry with you, hug it out and just accept you where you are. 

There’s also the struggle of the desert that teaches you full reliance upon God – alone.  That’s where I am – in the midst of that struggle to take my walk with the Lord to the next depth.  To dig in deeper and sprint to the center where there isn’t a mirage, but my Father who is there waiting.

My memory verses this first half of November are:

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.  I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”  Psalm 16:7-8

I will not be shaken back to life “as it is” because I am being counseled and instructed to life “as it can be” ahead of me – new depths in my relationship with the Lord.  With my Heavenly Father who provides me His promises to combat all that bad stuff above that so easily entangles.  

I WILL SPRINT to the center and then with the Lord ALWAYS before me, I WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESERT and I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!!!   (Did you know sometimes you just have to type loudly to begin the practice of convincing yourself and believing? ;) )  

4 Comments

Hear my prayer…listen to me…

August 7, 2009 at 1:45 pm (Abiding, Hope, Obedience, Prayer, Thoughts)

“Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob.”  Selah

I began focusing on this verse because I wanted to widen my memorization of  Psalm 84.  A few weeks into it I am in a place where I realize I have not been applying this Psalm to the depth of my soul.  I haven’t been talking so God could listen… (I know He does anyway, but…)

Hear my prayer and listen to me.  I’ve been talking with God a lot and yet not about me.  I’ve been in a place that praying for myself has not been my focus and you know what – it has caught up to me.  This past month, I’ve been so sad and overwhelmed and holding it mostly inside.  This past month I have experienced some hurts where I really should of let it go.  This past month I’ve have just stopped processing with the Lord.  I was forgetting the balance of praying for others and for myself.  So this morning, as I opened God’s word I started with Psalm 84 (which happens to be my all time favorite one). 

Look how it begins: 

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!  My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

My confession – my heart and flesh have not been crying out in regards to me lately.  I have been praying like crazy for several close friends and the struggles that have been before them, but I have set aside my heart and my flesh crying out in regards to me.  It caught up to me this past Sunday as I stood in the worship service and during the singing I stood perfectly still with no emotion and no ascribing of worth to God.  Wow – okay, I was giving nothing to the Lord and clearly not praising Him.  The wall was up and until Sunday I hadn’t even realized I built the wall.   Father, forgive me for building a wall between you and me on such a personal level.  Thank you for bringing this clearly to my attention through your word!   

This Psalm offers such promise and hope – especially from a God full of forgiveness for a repenting heart and a desire to obey.  My favorite verses (5-7), remind me God is my strength, begin with the psalmist blessing those on a journey – even a journey through a waterless place – like journeying through a desert and God offers rains of blessings.  Now, it’s a whole other discussion that the blessings may not be exactly what I have asked for, but the hope is God knows with all perfection what blessings I need – whether the blessing of nothing, waiting, silence or gifts.   Tough to swallow, but truth.

About 12 years ago I heard a sermon on this passage and in my Bible I wrote “cling to God even when stuck in the ‘to’” (see verse 7).  Have I been stuck in the “to” wondering where I’d gather my strength from – yes and I’ve done it to myself, because I forgot to pray and talk to God about me.  Forgot – well, that’s an easy way out – I ignored talking about me.  Why?  Well, God and I are in the midst of talking through that and all the while He is reminding me what I say often to friends – His strength is surrounding that “to” – behind me and ahead of me as I walk this journey and there’s blessing – “just walk and talk with me, Jennifer.”

Look at the promises in verses 10 – 12 and the reminder at the very end – trust in God!  Trust Him with my own heart, Jennifer.  Trust Him with all the junk, all the sadness, all the hurt, all the joys.  He is there always surrounding me with His strength.   

Can I hear an AMEN? :)

 1 How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty!  2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.  3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.  6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.  7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.  8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Selah

9 Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.  10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.  11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.  12 O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

3 Comments

Rescue Me

July 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm (Family, Friendship, Obedience, Thoughts, Uncategorized)

On my drive in to work this morning I was listening to Alistair Begg, on his Truth for Life radio program.  It was part 2 of his Abram Rescue’s Lot sermon.  I was struck in many ways – especially with all that life is presenting at the moment. 

Abram didn’t need to go after Lot and rescue him – but he did and he went full steam ahead:

When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he led out his trained men, born in his house, three hundred and eighteen *, and went in pursuit as far as Dan.  He divided his forces against them by night, he and his servants, and defeated them, and pursued them as far as Hobah, which is north of Damascus. He brought back all the goods, and also brought back his relative Lot with his possessions, and also the women, and the people. ~ Genesis 14:14 – 16

Do you go full steam ahead when your family is in trouble?  How about when your friends are?  Do you rescue them? Do you need rescue? Do you need to ask and pray?

In the Greek, rescue means – to pluck out, draw out, to choose out, to deliver. 

What does it take for you to see someone in trouble and reach out? 

Last week a friend of mine reminded me that I often say “I do not have the spiritual gift of mercy” and yet in the midst of her confession and repentance, God gave me great mercy that she was able to experience.  Do I still think I am not overflowing with the gift of mercy, yes, but will this be the last time I say it – YES!  Why?  Because in this midst of my friend’s sin, I was saying “I have no mercy” and she was probably wondering – would I show her mercy and love or would I write her off?  

Who am I to be the judge?  Who am I to not reach out a rescue – whether someone is in sin or just in desperate need of help – or standing on the precipice of life wondering what’s next? 

The other phrase that impacted me in Pastor Begg’s message was – we need to “lift hands to heaven empty so heaven can fill them up.”  How often I go to God in prayer and have so much on my hands.  I go to Him and say – “please help or rescue this person” and my hands are closed and unwilling to be used. Whether I have the resources or not, who I am to assume God cannot or will not answer.  Going to God with empty hands helps me to lay aside everything that so easily entangles and trust Him. 

Going to God with empty hands is where He provides what I may need – whether mercy, money, wisdom, love, and so on.  Isn’t it amazing that His love covers all?!!!

Father – this morning my heart is heavy for all of those around me that are struggling and in need of rescue and mercy.  My heart is heavy with my own need for mercy and rescue.  However, I come to you with open hands and ask that YOU direct my path.  That YOU rescue me and my friends.  That YOU use people to come to the rescue.  That YOU give us all the strength we need to choose to rescue people and all the mercy we need to do it with no strings attached.  Father –I thank you for my friends and family that rescue me in the midst of hardship and for those who point me back to you.  I ask that you would make your presence known in the midst of heartache and sadness and help us see the truth of you and that you are “big and powerful and absolutely in charge!”

2 Thessalonians 3:3But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

 

1 Comment

« Older entries Newer entries »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.